Why Well-Intentioned Advice Often Falls Flat: Understanding Motivation and the Power of Uniqueness
In life and leadership, advice is one of the most common ways we support others. Whether you’re mentoring a colleague, coaching a team, or simply guiding a friend, we often give recommendations based on what we think is helpful. Yet, despite the best intentions, our advice often falls flat—or worse, creates resistance, frustration, or tension.
But why does this happen? Why do words meant to inspire sometimes feel like pressure? Why does advice that feels right for one person feel completely misaligned for another?
The answer lies in motivation—and more specifically, in the uniqueness of motivation.
As a motivational intelligence advocate, I’ve seen how understanding the diversity of motivation can transform relationships, teams, and personal growth.
Learn why advice often falls short, how mismatched motives can lead to conflict, and why inclusion, empathy, and diversity are crucial when making recommendations.
The Foundation of Motivation: The 16 Life Motives
Each of us is driven by a unique blend of internal desires or “motives” that shape how we see the world, what energizes us, and what feels meaningful.
These motives, identified by psychologist Steven Reiss, include:
Curiosity (love of learning)
Independence (autonomy and freedom)
Status (recognition and achievement)
Order (structure and organization)
Power (control and leadership)
Romance (intimacy and connection)
Honor (principle and responsibility)
Tranquility (peace and security)
Social Contact (friendship and connection)
Idealism (making the world better)
Family (nurturing loved ones)
Vengeance (competition and justice)
Eating (pleasure in food and sustenance)
Physical Activity (movement and energy)
Saving (security and preservation)
Acceptance (being appreciated for who you are)
While we all share these motives, their strength varies dramatically from person to person.
For instance, someone strongly driven by independence might thrive on solo projects and self-directed tasks, while someone motivated by social contact finds energy in collaboration and connection.
The problem?
When we give advice, we often unconsciously project our own motives onto others.
Why Well-Intentioned Advice Falls Flat
Imagine this:
- You strongly value status, so you encourage a friend to “aim higher” or “go for the promotion.” But they prioritize tranquility, and your advice feels like unnecessary pressure.
- You’re motivated by curiosity, so you suggest they “explore more options” or “take a risk.” But they’re driven by order, and your advice feels chaotic and unstructured.
- You thrive on physical activity, so you recommend daily exercise routines. But they value tranquility, and your suggestion feels exhausting.
In each scenario, the advice is well-meaning but misaligned. The disconnect arises because what feels “just right” for you can create an imbalance for someone else.
When Motives Align vs. Clash
Relationships, whether in coaching, leadership, or collaboration, can be made or broken by the alignment of motives.
- When motives align, there’s trust, flow, and connection. For example, two people driven by idealism will naturally resonate as they focus on making a meaningful impact. Similarly, two people motivated by independence will thrive when working autonomously toward shared goals.
- When motives clash, tension and frustration arise. A leader focused on power (control and influence) might overwhelm a team member who values tranquility. A coach motivated by curiosity might frustrate a client who craves order and clarity.
This is why it’s essential for leaders, coaches, and mentors to adapt their approach to align with the intrinsic motives of the person they’re guiding.
The Key to Meaningful Support: Motivational Intelligence
Motivational intelligence is the ability to recognize and honor the unique motives driving each person. It’s about moving beyond generic advice and instead offering guidance that resonates deeply with their values, needs, and inner world.
Here’s how to start using motivational intelligence to improve your relationships and recommendations:
1. Pause Before You Advise
Before offering advice, ask yourself:
- Am I projecting my motives onto them?
- Do I truly understand what motivates this person?
This moment of reflection can help you avoid making assumptions and instead approach the conversation with curiosity.
2. Ask the Right Questions
Motivational intelligence begins with listening. Try asking:
- What feels most important to you right now?
- What motivates you when you’re at your best?
- What feels like balance to you in this moment?
These questions invite the person to share their unique motives, giving you valuable insights to guide your support.
3. Adapt Your Guidance
Once you understand their motives, tailor your advice to reflect their inner world. For example:
- For someone driven by order, offer clear steps and a structured approach.
- For someone motivated by curiosity, encourage exploration and discovery.
- For someone prioritizing family, frame goals in a way that supports their relationships.
When your advice aligns with their motives, it feels empowering—not pressuring.
Inclusion, Diversity, and the Power of Uniqueness
At its core, motivational intelligence is about inclusion. It’s about recognizing that everyone’s “just right” is different—and that’s a beautiful thing.
When we honor the diversity of motives, we create environments where people feel understood, respected, and valued. This is especially important in leadership, coaching, and any role where you’re guiding others.
A one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work for motivation.
Success comes from embracing uniqueness and tailoring your support to each individual’s needs.
A Call to Action: Let’s Build a Culture of Empathy and Understanding
Imagine a world where advice wasn’t generic but deeply personal. Where leaders, coaches, and peers took the time to understand what truly drives the people they support. Where diversity in motivation was seen as a strength, not a challenge.
This is the world we can create with motivational intelligence.
Here’s how you can take action today:
- Reflect: What motives drive you most strongly? How do they shape the way you give advice?
- Learn: Seek to understand the motives of the people you support—whether it’s your team, clients, or loved ones.
- Share: Start conversations about the power of motivational diversity. Raise awareness about why honoring uniqueness matters.
Let’s move beyond one-size-fits-all advice. Let’s build a culture of inclusion, empathy, and meaningful connection.
What motivates you most deeply? How have your intrinsic motives shaped the way you approach relationships, leadership, or personal growth?
Let’s discuss in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts. 🌱
About Brunello
I’m a motivational intelligence advocate, dedicated to raising awareness about the power of intrinsic motivation and the importance of understanding the diversity of what drives us.
My mission is to help individuals and organizations create environments where everyone’s unique “just right” is valued, respected, and supported. Let’s connect and explore how we can transform the way we lead, coach, and grow—together.
P.S.: The 16 basic desires and the science of motivation by Steven Reiss, The Normal Personality: A New Way of Thinking about People.